New EPA rules hitting Santa Inc.
In a shocking move today Kris Kringle CEO of Santa Inc announced they would no longer deliver coal to naughty children. " With the new rules from the EPA mines just can't produce the amount of coal needed " Mr Kringle said during a meeting with the press pool. " We were also concerned that with home heating prices being what they are parents would see coal as a gift to heat the home with. "
This is just the latest setback for Santa Inc. Despite using Dwarfs who are willing to cross the Elf Union picket lines production is still running at only 70% of past years totals. With the Elf Union demanding 15 dollars an hour and six candy canes per day parties on both sides see no end to this strike anytime soon. Santa Inc fired the Elfs last month but the Elf Union found relief in a federal court order baring the firings. " The way we see it is the Elfs have quit and these Dwarfs have needed work every since Prince Charming burned their home down after Snow White left him to return to them. They will work for half of what the Elfs are demanding and sing while they work" Kringle was quoted as saying.
Most financial experts have down graded Santa Inc's 2013 forecast nothing that time is being wasted that should be spent on getting Mr. Kringle off the no fly list, having been placed on the list by the TSA after being informed by the NSA that the IRS was looking into overseas shell funding the SEC claims is being used to avoid taxes. The DEA is still trying to get a court order to find out what is in that pipe while PETA is demanding he stop using his fur coat.
After a promising start in a effort to condemn the rich Occupy The North Pole disbanded after only one day when three reindeer stepped forward with claims of abuse when they visited to support the movement. They were also said to be upset there was no wifi signal for their IPods and Laptops.
Mrs. Kringle is set to appear on Oprah next week to discuss her new book " That's not a candy cane Santa! " In which she claims to have suffered decades of abuse before leaving Kringle last year and filing for divorce. Mr. Kringle denies all the claims saying she left him only so she could shack up with Father Time. " Sure what woman wouldn't want him" Mr Kringle said. " He can slow time down and last forever. She was always a women of questionable morals and when she joined the feminist movement it only got worse. Now she demands equal billing on all stories without having done equal work. And she ripped up my signed Palin poster.
In a move to save money Santa Inc contracted to use the same computer programs designed for the ACA and at this point no one knows who wants or did what. Santa refuses to delay Christmas day for a year and claims the site will be up and running in time even if 5 million kids were dropped off last years list.
Of course it's all Bush's fault.
"If we concentrated on the really important stuff in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles"